Not such a good day

The only time I ever feel inspired to write anything is when I am feeling positive, when life is good, when I love caring and I don’t feel too homesick HOWEVER, today is not one of those days and yet I felt the need to share this. Today I feel as though I could fall down in a heap and weep like a baby. Weep for everything I dreamt of, weep for all those hopes and dreams for a life which never came to pass. That perfect life with the white picket fence and all that is ‘supposed’ to go with it. I know it doesn’t really exist and I try not to be too cynical. I find myself wondering if I would be able to stop crying if I allowed myself to start? I can sob inside and smile a huge broad and very convincing smile on the outside. I am sure I could be nominated for an Oscar award, I am really good at this! I am sad. I am sad beyond words. I miss my son. I miss my family. I long for those days when I was little and I used to curl up on the chair with my Mum and she would stroke my head and tell me everything was going to be okay. I try not to speak to anyone on a day like today because I KNOW the sun will shine again for me tomorrow (it always does – even in England) and I don’t want anybody to worry. But for today, I am allowing myself to wallow in all this self-pity.  I don’t often allow myself this. Someone recently asked me how I manage to stay so happy ALL the time? Guess what? I am human, I am a carer and today I am sad and I am tired and I want to go home. As a carer, we definitely do not have the luxury of having an ‘off’ day. My job is to make my client feel happy, comfortable and relaxed. She cannot see me sad, she would worry and then feel guilty that I am here caring for her while I feel so homesick and sad. The most amazing thing really is that while I am forcing myself to smile, make a joke and have a giggle to make HER feel happy, it actually DOES make me feel better. So when you feel down and just want to be alone, really what you need is to be with someone who needs you, someone who needs you to be happy and not have a care in the world, other than to make them happy. In my head I can hear my sister saying ‘find those big girl panties and put them on.’ In my head I am saying ‘ I can’t find them, I’ve looked everywhere, they have  just disappeared!’ I visualise myself searching, in a frantic frenzy, tossing all those knickers out of the drawer and in the air, the cotton, school girly ones, the ‘trying to be a big girl’ bikini ones, the G-strings from the days when I could wear a G-string, the comfortable – ‘I don’t need a man ones’,  the sexy colourful – ‘maybe I do need a man’ ones…the drawer is empty, there are NO BIG GIRL PANTIES in there!!!!! Stamp my feet, wail, weep, sob….whimper.  They will no doubt miraculously appear tomorrow, I know they will. I have just cooked a lovely meal for my client and I feel better already, I cut my finger quite badly and I managed a little tear (not for the cut on my finger mind you) all is fine. I am ‘fine’. I wish I could go out for a walk to celebrate. But I am a carer and today I don’t have any time off.  So perhaps I will wallow in all this self-pity for a little while longer. I am actually quite enjoying it now. ” Everybody wants happiness, Nobody wants pain, But you can’t have a rainbow without any rain.” – Author Unknown.

4 comments

  1. Michele Postma says:

    Oooi kiddo … I’m so sorry to hear your down in dumps
    But I know that you know you are not alone
    I haven’t even left yet and i can feel the einaaaa itch starting

    You have a way with words and thoughts – keep them coming – we need them

    Anonymous : “I’m not only putting on my big girl panties – I’m putting on my f-u belt and my spiked boots and i’ve got this covered”
    xx

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